Chocolate and Auctions

Today I want to talk about two totally different and unrelated things, but I can’t help it, because for me they somehow mixed. I got confronted today with land-auctions in Second Life. A close friend of me, wanted to get the abandoned land next to my place, so we can be neighbors again.She informed Linden Labs and LL said thank you and set it up for auction. Since she had a late shift today, I was the one who had to deal with the actual bidding war. My nerves are blank now and totally raw. I was shaking like a leaf and so freaking nervous, that I had troubles to manage my mouse, since these things are online, like eBay. And I HATE eBay and would never use it, if it weren’t for the immediately-buy-button.

After four long hours of sweating, shivering and being a nervous wrack, I managed to get her the land with a super high bid in the last second. So YAY!

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As amazing this moment was, as depressing it is, when you realise with whom you wanna share it, and that this someone doesn’t seem to want to talk with you or to spent time with you. It is a rather dull realisation, when you see, that the one you are dating, the one you haven’t seen in a couple of days, that this one, does rather something else, then to spent his time with you. My solution was chocolate. It is always there for me, and it never lets me wait!

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Waiting Time

What is it about time? We feel we have not enough. It goes by slowly or super fast, sometimes it is as if it stands still. Time is a construct we made up, to measure the circles the earth makes around the sun. The weird thing is, that time is endless even though sometimes it is short.

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This week, for me, it was both at the same time. All day long, time was slow, standing still, and when the time came, to meet someone, it was over, and more than ones, before it even begun.

People often say, the anticipation is half the pleasure, but what, if there is no pleasure at all in the end, and everything you get, is anticipation and waiting. In that constellation waiting is probably the worst part. One fills their time with nonsense, to not be just waiting, and also to be able to drop whatever one is doing immediately.

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So what is it with people, who make you wait for them? And I don’t mean to wait for something special to happen, I mean to simply spent time with each other! I think, Coco Chanel was the one who said “Don’t spend time beating on a wall, hoping to transform it into a door. ” And I think, with people who make you wait, it is the same thing.

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For me, it ended in going to bed alone, and now, enjoying my afternoon tea, while I blog for you, and watch a movie with my brother. Because, HE doesn’t makes me wait.

Reflections

As I mentioned some posts earlier, I have a severe form of writers block at the moment, but I am trying to push through, to get back to myself. I tried to reflect on my thoughts, where this is coming from, and I have some ideas. The best way for me, to get over something like that, is writing and talking to friends. The second one I have done, so what is left, is to find the words, and bring it down to paper…

Some weeks ago, I vented, I blew of steam in a hard way, what is pretty rare for me, but it was necessary, to get back to myself, to be who I am. And again, everything starts with Mo, my ex-boyfriend, and … after latest results, obviously a friend with benefits. My ONLY friend with benefits. But to get where I want to be, I have to start at the beginning. After venting the last time, Mo and I met, and had a long conversation, we made up, and as soon as this happened, everything came back to me, not the anger, not the pain, but the reasons why I fell for him in the first place. Fast, hard.. and strong.

Back, when we met, I was like an emotional zombie. Hurt so often that one just exists beneath a protecting snow globe, surrounded by thick walls. But these protections, they do suffocate one too. Every breath was like.. filtered air, but steady filled with dust like being buried under ruins. One dies slowly, painfully and yet, one is still alive, and even tho it doesn’t feels this way, the pain one suffers is worse, then anything that ever was painful. Al the hurt I suffered wasn’t healing, but still there, crushing down on me like the weight of a hundred buildings.

A friend of me took me out for a dance, and I agreed.. she took her boy friend with her, so I was dancing alone, when this gorgeous man walked up to me, and just started talking in this.. fresh, easy way. Nothing felt pressured or planned. It just happened. And like a breeze of fresh air… a spring tide .. a tornado, all together, he shattered the snow globe, he pulled me out under all those buildings, stones and walls, like a fire-fighter saving a dying person.

We never had trouble to talk, we had fights, but we always settled them by talking and making love afterwards. And reflecting how I was.. how needy I became.. oh shit, I would have ran just like he did in the end. The way he saved me from myself, I also ruined us by being not the woman I was. I was independent and strong, and be came weak and depending, depending on him being there all the time, being strong for me.

The last year, I tried to get over him… tried to not think about the huge scar on my heart with his name on it. He wasn’t there often .. but when he was, we talked.. we spent time together, and we.. had sex. You may call it bad judgement, but gees, you should see him, he looks amazing – plus – he just knows. He knows everything about me, and he still likes me, enjoys my company. I always say, never get back together with your ex, because the reasons why you broke up, they still are there some how, maybe hidden but they don’t fade….

I will never forget what he means to me, still, and what he had done for and to me. Tho.. friends with benefits it seems to be. Will that make me happy? I don’t know, without Jaspar and Garith, my two companions maybe, but I have my companions, the two men in my life who make me happy, who accept me for the weird and crazy person I am. I wont say I am out of the woods yet, I am still hurt, but the air I am breathing is fresh, I cant feel walls around me, I cant feel a chain around my heart, slowing it down.

Tho the one thing, I will take with me, from all of this, is hope. Hope that one day, I don’t have to write about broken hearts any more. That I wont be said if someone shows up or doesn’t. The winter begins, and I have no one to snuggle? Oh my … I still have the fresh wind, blowing into my sails, and bringing me hopefully to new shores.

Sometimes it takes a blog…

… sometimes even two.. and the bloggers of course.

No that gorgeous redhead in the picture is not me, but my Boss 225 – the Chariot. Today I met someone special for me, because we know each other for some weeks now, we exchange fan mail on Tumblr, and follow each other. Not long ago I realised, that she just lives, and I quote “a few sims and two crashes away.. on a bad day”.

Today we finally met, I drove over to her place, to collect her for a cup of coffee at my place. It was really nice, and you know what, I got invited to a wedding. I already feel like the woman from 27 Dresses, but  I am not a bride’s maid this time, but a humble guest, who can show off a great dress, and have some fun.

I will say congratulations this way again, because it’s always amazing if you meet someone who has found their true love, we all know how hard that is, especially in Second Life.

Tho thank you Rita, for those lovely hours, and I am looking forward to see your place as well. I’ll bring the cookies. And too all the other blogger out there, who play SL .. give me a holler, and we will see, which adventure we will have.


Sonnet CXVI

-by William Shakespeare

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown, although his height be taken.
Love’s not Time’s fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle’s compass come;
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
  If this be error and upon me proved,
  I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

What is wrong with some guys?!

I really need to vent, I tried to swallow what happens but.. it just.. burns inside of me like a fire.. and keeps hurting me even more. Why do some men are just pigs? I Would love to just tell you his name, and scream blue murder. But I can’t, because I don’t want to be a bitch…

I think I need to explain myself, my anger and my frustration. To do this, I will start at the beginning. Last year I met a guy, fell hard for him and I fell fast, in a way I never thought it would be possible. He said all the right things, and pushed all the right buttons. I don’t need to mention that the sex was awesome. But.. there is always a but, you know that .. it as too good to be true. He was too perfect.. while the time passed by, he had more lat RL meetings, less time online… but when he was there… he was amazing and sweet and.. perfect again.

We became not just lovers but friends.. it felt like a real partnership. And he asked me for.. having a baby with him. I mean we are still talking SecondLife here, and many of you will shrug this one-off. But, I already have a kid in SL and I didn’t had a 4 weeks pregnancy. I was in there for the long run, the full 9 month. And after that, I had a baby, and not just for a week, but a “real” one, which is now impersonated by a real human being playing a kids avatar. Tho – something like this actually means a lot to me!

He asked me anyways.. if we can have a baby together, and I agreed. Damn how blind and stupid I was… all dazzled up in love. He had me wrapped around his finger, pretty tight. But.. after he got me pregnant.. he came on more rare. I saw him once a week, often less. But he came on for the appointments with the doc.

While we were in this relationship I grew lonely more and more. And my heart broke.. piece by piece just missing him. And while this happens, my senses started sharpening. Most of you probably know this.. when you see connections.. you never saw before. Or when you just know something is off the rails… that’s exactly what happened to me.

I realized how odd it was, that he NEVER wanted to use voice chat with me. I realized how odd it was, that we never fought, that he always had a perfect answer, and that his so-called emergencies were always things, I never could have been mad with him.

I mean seriously, boys and girls, …. how stupid can someone be not see something like this. But in that moment, you want to believe, because you love and want to love and want to be loved. You want that this perfect relationship you see, is not just an imagination. Even if it becomes more clear every day, that it was too good to be true.

Christmas last year… was the date when I saw him for the last time. he knew I was all alone, even iRL.. he promised spending time with me, but like always he broke his promise. In January … on the day for the 5th month appointment, he broke up with me, by email. Said he met some chick iRL, and that she wont understand him “playing” Second Life, and .. now you can laugh .. that he enjoyed the time with me and that we can stay friends. He wants to talk to me now and then. (Right now, I am pretty sure, he put me on spam right after sending this mail.)

I never saw him again. You might ask yourself, why I start venting now?! Because he logged back in two weeks ago. But not to talk to me or something, he deleted me and all of my family from his friend list, left all the groups, and probably hopes I just forget about what happened. But no one of us did. That bastard broke my heart.. for real. I still have bad trust issues, because of him.

Now I can actually see you shaking your heads, how stupid I could be, and that it’s just a game. Or that it was my fault being so blind, not seeing him for the player he was. And here, why am I venting now? Why do I need to blow off steam? I need it, because he has a new girlfriend already. And probably uses the same tour he used with me, and with his woman before me… I helped him, to get his avatar modern, with mesh.. and body parts made from mesh … and he used me like a condom and threw me away.

Back in January… I decided to end my pregnancy, even if it was late to do it, but it hurt too much, and here I say, god bless it was “just” Second Life. But my heart still bleeds.. when I think about what I had to do …

I’d like to tell all of you, be more carefull, but.. enjoy your love, if you found it. Because. better to have loved and lost, then never felt love at all.


All I can say now, thank you to my friends, who always had been there for me, no matter what shook me up. (Especially the two Sweethearts on the pic!) And to all of you, who have a friend, and she just met someone.. look after her. And If you know a Gabriella.. and she just met someone.. one or two weeks ago … and if that someone was a black dude (not much of them in SL) … just show her this post, so she knows .. what she is getting into it.

Because.. honestly, I wish you all the best, and that you are the one taming this panther.

When a kiss isn’t enough anymore…

I don’t know what it isThat makes me love you soI only know I never wanna let you go‘Cause you started somethingOh, can’t you seeThat ever since we metYou’ve had a hold on meIt happens to be trueI only want to be with youIt doesn’t matter where you go or what you doI wanna spend each moment of the day with youOh, look what has happened with just one kissI never knew that I could be in love like thisIt’s crazy but it’s trueI only want to be with youI don’t know what it isThat makes me love you soI only know I never wanna let you go'Cause you started somethingOh, can’t you seeThat ever since we metYou’ve had a hold on meIt happens to be trueI only want to be with youYou stopped and smiled at meAsked if I’d care to danceI fell into your open armsAnd I didn’t stand a chanceNow, listen, honeyI just wanna be beside you everywhereAs long as we’re together, honeyI don’t care'Cause you started somethingOh, can’t you seeThat ever since we metYou’ve had a hold on meIt happens to be trueI only want to be with youNo matter what you doI only want to be with you

(Lyrics Volbeat - Only wanna be with you)

When a kiss isn’t enough anymore…

I don’t know what it is
That makes me love you so
I only know I never wanna let you go
‘Cause you started something
Oh, can’t you see
That ever since we met
You’ve had a hold on me
It happens to be true
I only want to be with you

It doesn’t matter where you go or what you do
I wanna spend each moment of the day with you
Oh, look what has happened with just one kiss
I never knew that I could be in love like this
It’s crazy but it’s true
I only want to be with you

I don’t know what it is
That makes me love you so
I only know I never wanna let you go
‘Cause you started something
Oh, can’t you see
That ever since we met
You’ve had a hold on me
It happens to be true
I only want to be with you

You stopped and smiled at me
Asked if I’d care to dance
I fell into your open arms
And I didn’t stand a chance

Now, listen, honey
I just wanna be beside you everywhere
As long as we’re together, honey
I don’t care
‘Cause you started something
Oh, can’t you see
That ever since we met
You’ve had a hold on me
It happens to be true
I only want to be with you
No matter what you do
I only want to be with you

(Lyrics Volbeat – Only wanna be with you)