Rare Occasions

My latest entries have been a bit… heavy on the mind, so I thought, I will pick up something I enjoyed very much during the last week. I would say we all, but I have the sad feeling, what I am going to say now, doesn’t counts for everyone. So I rather say >I< have this special someone, everybody else has no chance against. And I am talking here about my attention. My sister Dakota, is that person for me. If she is online, and has the time, I am all hers, no matter who else is online. She is, has been and always will be my priority number one – sorry boys.

As she is my number one and soulmate, I enjoyed my last week a lot, since she had the time, to spend it with me. We both don’t like to just sit around, well… we do if we got someone to talk about – hehe. But since we like to do some things, we had some nice adventures together.

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Her rezday wasn’t that long ago, so I decided to gift her a horse. But not just some horse, no one of the amazing Bento Waterhorse Riding Horses. (If you don’t have one yet, go and get one!) So we went to the stables, and had a nice long trail ride, all over the Calas Galadhon-Park. You can imagine, two girls like us, we had a lot to talk and laugh about, not to mention, how much we loved that afternoon.

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A few days later, I don’t want to bother you with every detail, we managed to go out sailing. But not just sailing, no! But flying and foiling with the Flying Shadow all across the Blake Sea. I love almost all sailing boats, provided by the great designers living in Dutch Harbour, but the FS is and has been always my absolute favourite. And while I was managing the main sail, the jib, the spinnaker and the daggers, she managed to flawlessly skid from one side to the other, if necessary.

Great outcome, we didn’t keel over once! YAY! Not as if that would happen to me anyhow, but still YAY! Our destination was Sires Isle, where we stopped, and switched to her Bandit IF. We both love it but seriously, it is not just a great boat, but hers, probably the one with the best overall paintjob in Second Life! Or that is me talking, as her sister and probably biggest fan and supporter.

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Someone was playing something nice on the guitar, but when he left, Dakota thought, dang, I want music, so she picked her guitar, and serenaded us, until our time ran out. Probably one of my loveliest afternoons ever. I am still humming ….

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Communication or Commu-NO-cation

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For me something weird happened. I don’t know who can relate, but I’ve heard several times, that I would be dominant. One time, someone even asked me directly, if I was a dominatrix. Thought that was hilarious, since I wore a white silk dress, with lace and my hair open. But that wasn’t what I was aiming at.

No, my question is, how get people the impression someone might be ‘dominant’ I will use that word a bit freely, as they did, to keep it easy. Can we say, a person is dominant, just because they are competent or have a certain grade of authority? Can we call a person dominant, just because they are confident and know what they want?

I have always struggled with labelling people like that, maybe one of the reasons why I struggle with people labelling me. From a psychologic point of view, it makes sense to label people, because we need those labels to understand the world, without getting crazy. It is a way our brains use to process information.

No how do I get to my headline? My question is, why so many people avoid so called ‘dominant’ persons. Why are they afraid of them? Do they feel insecure or weak next to them, to us?

Yesterday I had an interesting conversation with a rather new friend of mine, about exactly that subject. He brought up the thesis, that if someone has trouble to talk to people freely in Real Life, they will have the same issues in their Second Life. I was so bold to spin it a bit further and I think, that is gets even worse in SL. But why is that so?

This is me asking you, asking for your opinions and comments. Why are people afraid to talk to someone in Second Life. Dominant or not, why all that fear? One can look as hot as one wants. One sits in the safety of one’s own living room, bed room, or wherever else the PC or Mac is placed.

I do understand, we all take our fears with us, in one way or another. For me I can say, I am afraid of heights, of people in general, of insects and just about everything else one can imagine. But I have those fears irl. In Second Life I love skydiving, absolutely nothing would get me to jump out of a plane, well maybe if it’s crashing, and jumping would save my life… . Since I have my dog I am better with people, because I have to talk to strangers all the time. I love looking at spiders in game, don’t put one for real next to me.

And I don’t consider myself as special, I think I am pretty common. So what is it, making people not talk to others? Laziness? Weird situated shyness? Please fill me in, I am in deadly need of answers! But to end on a high note, without leaving you up high and dry in irons. Now and then, once in a while, I get lucky, and meet someone, who isn’t afraid of talking, and those people, make up for great conversations.

– A “disturbing” look into Xsenia’s thoughts

The fog

“Like a ship at sea, I’m lost in a fog
My mind is hazy, my thoughts are blue
Guess I’ll always be kinda
Lost in a fog without you

It was sunny every day
The sky was fair above
But you took the light away
The day you took your love”

– Lost in a Fog by Ella Fitzgerald

After all that happened, I maybe really need some time out. Some ME-time, to gather my thoughts, to just get around all the stuff that happened. To be honest, sitting down, and writing, pushing through that writers block, is a first step, and now, with blog post number five I finally start feeling better, and more connected to my creativity. I missed that.

Yesterday I tried another approach, some lonely kayaking, in the morning fog, through Sailors Cove all up t the north of Second Norway. It was indescribable. Calm, fresh, I could really feel the frost biting my cheeks, the fog getting into my clothes, getting them slightly wet, while I was enjoying all the last colours of this wonderful autumn. An autumn that will be over soon, a little bird told me.

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But after the kayak ride, I needed more, so I decided, to go out in my Schokker, a boat I haven’t sailed in a long time, and give her a run, all the way up to the Rene Marina. I don’t know how to put it but, this being alone, just enjoying the beauty of this second life I am happy to call mine, put everything back in a perspective and helps seeing the bigger picture. Plus, it helped me t get out of my bed, opening my notebook, and keep writing, until I don’t have to think twice, for a single word.

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Winter is comming…

No I wont tell you that you know nothing, but I felt winter-ish and Christmas-ish, so I decided to have a long horseback ride through the famous Aero Pines Park, where they do have already winter and snow. My horse GG was more then happy for some movement. And while I was riding, and enjoying the cold air, I started thinking, that it would be nice to have an actual horse.

To get into it I try to explain. There are horse avatars, they do look amazing and very detailed. The animations are great and what can I say, I think I love them. The only problem is I don’t want to be one, I just like to “own” one. Bot in a more friendshippy kind of way.

I hoped to find some place where one could “adopt” a friend this way. Just like there are all the adoption agencies for kids and furries. But I couldn’t find one. All one can find, is the naughty kind of way, and that is by far nothing I would enjoy. So my question to all of you is, if you know such a place or maybe a horse-roleplayer, who would like to have an owner, to play with now and then, please tell me, I would love to meet them.

And maybe even help others with the same thing, people like me, looking for someone to be their horse, they can really build a connection with, and not just an attachment. No offence GG!

Reflections

As I mentioned some posts earlier, I have a severe form of writers block at the moment, but I am trying to push through, to get back to myself. I tried to reflect on my thoughts, where this is coming from, and I have some ideas. The best way for me, to get over something like that, is writing and talking to friends. The second one I have done, so what is left, is to find the words, and bring it down to paper…

Some weeks ago, I vented, I blew of steam in a hard way, what is pretty rare for me, but it was necessary, to get back to myself, to be who I am. And again, everything starts with Mo, my ex-boyfriend, and … after latest results, obviously a friend with benefits. My ONLY friend with benefits. But to get where I want to be, I have to start at the beginning. After venting the last time, Mo and I met, and had a long conversation, we made up, and as soon as this happened, everything came back to me, not the anger, not the pain, but the reasons why I fell for him in the first place. Fast, hard.. and strong.

Back, when we met, I was like an emotional zombie. Hurt so often that one just exists beneath a protecting snow globe, surrounded by thick walls. But these protections, they do suffocate one too. Every breath was like.. filtered air, but steady filled with dust like being buried under ruins. One dies slowly, painfully and yet, one is still alive, and even tho it doesn’t feels this way, the pain one suffers is worse, then anything that ever was painful. Al the hurt I suffered wasn’t healing, but still there, crushing down on me like the weight of a hundred buildings.

A friend of me took me out for a dance, and I agreed.. she took her boy friend with her, so I was dancing alone, when this gorgeous man walked up to me, and just started talking in this.. fresh, easy way. Nothing felt pressured or planned. It just happened. And like a breeze of fresh air… a spring tide .. a tornado, all together, he shattered the snow globe, he pulled me out under all those buildings, stones and walls, like a fire-fighter saving a dying person.

We never had trouble to talk, we had fights, but we always settled them by talking and making love afterwards. And reflecting how I was.. how needy I became.. oh shit, I would have ran just like he did in the end. The way he saved me from myself, I also ruined us by being not the woman I was. I was independent and strong, and be came weak and depending, depending on him being there all the time, being strong for me.

The last year, I tried to get over him… tried to not think about the huge scar on my heart with his name on it. He wasn’t there often .. but when he was, we talked.. we spent time together, and we.. had sex. You may call it bad judgement, but gees, you should see him, he looks amazing – plus – he just knows. He knows everything about me, and he still likes me, enjoys my company. I always say, never get back together with your ex, because the reasons why you broke up, they still are there some how, maybe hidden but they don’t fade….

I will never forget what he means to me, still, and what he had done for and to me. Tho.. friends with benefits it seems to be. Will that make me happy? I don’t know, without Jaspar and Garith, my two companions maybe, but I have my companions, the two men in my life who make me happy, who accept me for the weird and crazy person I am. I wont say I am out of the woods yet, I am still hurt, but the air I am breathing is fresh, I cant feel walls around me, I cant feel a chain around my heart, slowing it down.

Tho the one thing, I will take with me, from all of this, is hope. Hope that one day, I don’t have to write about broken hearts any more. That I wont be said if someone shows up or doesn’t. The winter begins, and I have no one to snuggle? Oh my … I still have the fresh wind, blowing into my sails, and bringing me hopefully to new shores.

Commodores Cup Nov 15 – 2015

The organisation of the Commodores Cup decided to move it to the fruit islands, and that kind of got Jaspar and me to team up again, this time for good. And I don’t know what to say but, all the time making the second place, was fine with me, because my treat was being with my best friend. With my companion, the one person I spent most of my time with, and it is just pure harmony.

But this one time a week, we really powered up, we learned so much about each other, just doing the training, practising and racing the 12M of Trudeau, that I don’t even know where to begin.

This weekend, I came in horribly late, and got on board AFTER the first lap was already done. And I didn’t believed in what I saw. Jasp was FIRST over a sim ahead of the rest, without me. I was so proud and nervous I might mess things up. But I didn’t, it was the best run ever, and we won with nothing less then FIVE sims ahead of the rest of the field.

I am still thrilled and rattled at the same time, and soo uber proud on Jaspar for his amazing start. Our voice wasn’t working in the first minutes, but we hadn’t made one mistake, it was like.. being connected, and reading the others mind. To not stroll you any more form getting to the results, here they are:

Race 31 – 15 November 2015
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Race Results:
1: Jaspar Recreant ID#181 — 00:46:25
2: Titus Tobias ID1153 — 00:49:19
3: Kovu Kumel IDBEAVER — 00:50:50
4: trisha Diavolo IDTD01 — 00:51:09

[05:27]
Lap Times:
Jaspar Recreant ID#181 — Start: 00:00:00 — Lap 1: 00:15:48 — Lap 2: 00:15:20 — Last lap: 00:15:17
Titus Tobias ID1153 — Start: 00:00:15 — Lap 1: 00:16:44 — Lap 2: 00:15:51 — Last lap: 00:16:29
Kovu Kumel IDBEAVER — Start: 00:00:27 — Lap 1: 00:17:32 — Lap 2: 00:16:47 — Last lap: 00:16:04
trisha Diavolo IDTD01 — Start: 00:00:13 — Lap 1: 00:17:38 — Lap 2: 00:16:30 — Last lap: 00:16:48

The Tea Connection

Sometimes friendship blooms in the most unexpected ways. As I wrote  in my post “Sometimes it takes a blog“, Rita and I became friends, after meeting. Now it became sort of a habit meeting over a cup of tea or coffee, at my place or hers.

I know I haven’t wrote much lately, but I had always someone to talk to, this way.. I never really felt the urge to bring my thoughts onto paper. But now I feel I ow you, my dear readers, that I get back into it. I hoped my writers block would move by itself, but it didn’t, so I think, maybe I need just push through, to get back to my happy place.

The last few week happened a lot, actually too much, to get it all down and into words. Some things threw me onto an emotional roller-coaster, but I hope the bad trip will end soon enough.

I wouldn’t be me, if I wont try to tell you some facts. Dakota my sister found a place for herself again, it might just be a sky box, but we build her a very nice Asian place. Something that made me thing and smile, because we both are into Asian stuff and we both kind of… neglected it. I think it is time to re-embrace it.

Therefore the partial Asian set up for the picture, and one of my fav songs. I am still very unhappy with what I wrote but in the end, I wrote something. It can’t be always a flowing river, some times, we just have to slowly step over the ice floes.