Communication or Commu-NO-cation

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For me something weird happened. I don’t know who can relate, but I’ve heard several times, that I would be dominant. One time, someone even asked me directly, if I was a dominatrix. Thought that was hilarious, since I wore a white silk dress, with lace and my hair open. But that wasn’t what I was aiming at.

No, my question is, how get people the impression someone might be ‘dominant’ I will use that word a bit freely, as they did, to keep it easy. Can we say, a person is dominant, just because they are competent or have a certain grade of authority? Can we call a person dominant, just because they are confident and know what they want?

I have always struggled with labelling people like that, maybe one of the reasons why I struggle with people labelling me. From a psychologic point of view, it makes sense to label people, because we need those labels to understand the world, without getting crazy. It is a way our brains use to process information.

No how do I get to my headline? My question is, why so many people avoid so called ‘dominant’ persons. Why are they afraid of them? Do they feel insecure or weak next to them, to us?

Yesterday I had an interesting conversation with a rather new friend of mine, about exactly that subject. He brought up the thesis, that if someone has trouble to talk to people freely in Real Life, they will have the same issues in their Second Life. I was so bold to spin it a bit further and I think, that is gets even worse in SL. But why is that so?

This is me asking you, asking for your opinions and comments. Why are people afraid to talk to someone in Second Life. Dominant or not, why all that fear? One can look as hot as one wants. One sits in the safety of one’s own living room, bed room, or wherever else the PC or Mac is placed.

I do understand, we all take our fears with us, in one way or another. For me I can say, I am afraid of heights, of people in general, of insects and just about everything else one can imagine. But I have those fears irl. In Second Life I love skydiving, absolutely nothing would get me to jump out of a plane, well maybe if it’s crashing, and jumping would save my life… . Since I have my dog I am better with people, because I have to talk to strangers all the time. I love looking at spiders in game, don’t put one for real next to me.

And I don’t consider myself as special, I think I am pretty common. So what is it, making people not talk to others? Laziness? Weird situated shyness? Please fill me in, I am in deadly need of answers! But to end on a high note, without leaving you up high and dry in irons. Now and then, once in a while, I get lucky, and meet someone, who isn’t afraid of talking, and those people, make up for great conversations.

– A “disturbing” look into Xsenia’s thoughts

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8 thoughts on “Communication or Commu-NO-cation

  1. Hey Xsenia, nicely written article.
    I think many avoid “dominant” people simply because at first they perceive them as hostile, unwelcoming and cold.
    When men meet new people, at first they want to connect with them “at the same level” or they like to feel in control, so for them a very confident woman who acts a bit commanding can be a turnoff.
    But I would say that being confident and competent is good, while being authoritative can be helpful in some situations, like at work, but not so much when it comes to meeting new people.
    In my case, I try to look beyond that. If I can have interesting conversations with her, etcetera, then her being overly-confident is not a big obstacle, so it all depends on her other qualities and flaws. Same applies when I meet a shy person…actually..I find that more attractive 😛

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    • Well Martin, at first thank you for your response. But I have to set something clear. I wasn’t talking about overly-confident people. They are straining. I am talking about confident people, what doesn’t mean they are dominant.
      That is why I think, we have a completely different understanding of the meaning of confident or loosely dominant. Since for me, someone who is confident, is not overly confident, or worse commanding. Knowing what one wants, doesn’t mean, that one always has to make the decisions and is a “men-eater” or what other words people use to describe those persons.
      I for once, let me take it into the more personal area, am confident, i consider myself a strong woman, but I don’t need to make all the decisions. the opposite is the case. I have to decide so many things, What to wear, where to got, what to blog about, whom to like … little joke … that I rather don’t decide when in a relationship, or meeting someone new.
      So considering what you wrote, that you feel shy people more attractive, I don#t beliefe you. For once I know the woman you are currently dating, and I know that she is the opposite of shy. Being conservative and old school, letting the man to choose the pace and to make the first steps, has nothing to do with shy. It actually shows ones confidence, and that one knows what one wants. Being secure enough, to give up the “lead” on that part, shows a lot of confidence and trust.
      Hence I am answering on my iPad while taking care of too dogs, my thoughts might be a bit jumpy, but I still hope, they are easy enough to follow. 🙂

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      • I expected you would answer like that 🙂
        I wasn’t talking about people who are just confident, that’s not a personality traid I avoid.
        But in your question you asked about “why so many people avoid so called ‘dominant’ persons”, and you talked about them having a ” certain grade of authority”.

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      • Yeah thats the thing a certain grade of authority doesn’t mean authority as in being a dominant person and deciding everything or being commanding. Authority can simply mean, that one has a certain expertise and knows about that. Knowledge can cause such “authority” still doesn’t mean a person is dominant. I hope you can follow my scatter brain today.

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  2. Yep, I can follow; that’s why I don’t even think that authority is wrong, I just said that it’s a turnoff to most men.
    And about the person I am dating, I never said that she’s weak; but you have to admit that she has a personality different from yours.

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    • Well I have to say, that men who can’t deal with strong women are a turnoff for me – though …. but about my sister. I never said she isn’t different. I just said she isn’t shy, not even by a long shot. She knows pretty exactly what she wants. Not just that, she has confidence and a authority, even if it’s in different departments as I do. the mayor difference between her and me, she can hide it, I simply cannot. And most women are like that. Many whom I know, act as if they are shy, weak or clumsy. That is one of the reasons, at least what I think, why relationships rarely last, since they are based on a lie. Doesn’t mean that hiding the own authority or confidence in the beginning counts as a lie. But that was not where I wanted this debate to go, since it was actually about the problem people have to communicate with others. Not about dominance, confidence or something else. Just simply communication-problems.

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      • To go back to the topic: the main reasons why people don’t start conversations in SL so easily are 1)shyness; 2) being very picky about who to talk to; 3)being already in a conversation with someone they know; 4) they are not looking for friends/relationships; 5) waiting for someone else to IM them first (which in my opinion doesn’t make much sense, since if YOU start the conversation first, you get to choose the person, based on her profile and other factors, and …you just don’t have to wait)
        Being too shy to start conversations in SL doesn’t make much sense either, because you literally have nothing to lose and you have something to gain by chatting with new people. The worst thing that can happen is that the conversaton ends fast; and if instead you have an interesting conversation, you made a new friend.

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      • That is exactly what I was aiming at Martin. In fact, it just supports what I wrote. If you have troubles irl to talk to people, you will have them in SL as well. But in here it doesn’t makes sense, as you wrote so eloquently. You have nothing to loose but anything you gain. And thank you again for participating so actively with the comments. 🙂

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