Reflections

As I mentioned some posts earlier, I have a severe form of writers block at the moment, but I am trying to push through, to get back to myself. I tried to reflect on my thoughts, where this is coming from, and I have some ideas. The best way for me, to get over something like that, is writing and talking to friends. The second one I have done, so what is left, is to find the words, and bring it down to paper…

Some weeks ago, I vented, I blew of steam in a hard way, what is pretty rare for me, but it was necessary, to get back to myself, to be who I am. And again, everything starts with Mo, my ex-boyfriend, and … after latest results, obviously a friend with benefits. My ONLY friend with benefits. But to get where I want to be, I have to start at the beginning. After venting the last time, Mo and I met, and had a long conversation, we made up, and as soon as this happened, everything came back to me, not the anger, not the pain, but the reasons why I fell for him in the first place. Fast, hard.. and strong.

Back, when we met, I was like an emotional zombie. Hurt so often that one just exists beneath a protecting snow globe, surrounded by thick walls. But these protections, they do suffocate one too. Every breath was like.. filtered air, but steady filled with dust like being buried under ruins. One dies slowly, painfully and yet, one is still alive, and even tho it doesn’t feels this way, the pain one suffers is worse, then anything that ever was painful. Al the hurt I suffered wasn’t healing, but still there, crushing down on me like the weight of a hundred buildings.

A friend of me took me out for a dance, and I agreed.. she took her boy friend with her, so I was dancing alone, when this gorgeous man walked up to me, and just started talking in this.. fresh, easy way. Nothing felt pressured or planned. It just happened. And like a breeze of fresh air… a spring tide .. a tornado, all together, he shattered the snow globe, he pulled me out under all those buildings, stones and walls, like a fire-fighter saving a dying person.

We never had trouble to talk, we had fights, but we always settled them by talking and making love afterwards. And reflecting how I was.. how needy I became.. oh shit, I would have ran just like he did in the end. The way he saved me from myself, I also ruined us by being not the woman I was. I was independent and strong, and be came weak and depending, depending on him being there all the time, being strong for me.

The last year, I tried to get over him… tried to not think about the huge scar on my heart with his name on it. He wasn’t there often .. but when he was, we talked.. we spent time together, and we.. had sex. You may call it bad judgement, but gees, you should see him, he looks amazing – plus – he just knows. He knows everything about me, and he still likes me, enjoys my company. I always say, never get back together with your ex, because the reasons why you broke up, they still are there some how, maybe hidden but they don’t fade….

I will never forget what he means to me, still, and what he had done for and to me. Tho.. friends with benefits it seems to be. Will that make me happy? I don’t know, without Jaspar and Garith, my two companions maybe, but I have my companions, the two men in my life who make me happy, who accept me for the weird and crazy person I am. I wont say I am out of the woods yet, I am still hurt, but the air I am breathing is fresh, I cant feel walls around me, I cant feel a chain around my heart, slowing it down.

Tho the one thing, I will take with me, from all of this, is hope. Hope that one day, I don’t have to write about broken hearts any more. That I wont be said if someone shows up or doesn’t. The winter begins, and I have no one to snuggle? Oh my … I still have the fresh wind, blowing into my sails, and bringing me hopefully to new shores.

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